20

Today I went to Yoyogi park. The photographers, all of them men, no boys or girls or women, obviously thought it was really interesting to see a girl with a camera and wanted to take pictures of me taking pictures (??). One guy that looked a bit like a pervert wanted me to sit in a special way while he was staring at my legs in a really creepy way. Then he stayed about 20 meters from me and kept staring. Another one was very friendly, even though we didn’t understand each other. He didn’t know any english at all but I understood that he was a photographer wanted to take me to the zoo to look at the oldest elephant in the world. I think. But he was lying, because only ten minutes later I found the elephant that definitely is the oldest one! I took more pictures with the elephant, but I’ve bored everyone enough in this post.

Then it was getting dark, and I was tired and hungry. I met Marc and we walked to Shibuya to eat. On our way there we found this.

We went to a restaurant with tiny chairs and artwork by Yoshitomo Nara. In the middle of the room there was a small house without doors, and Marc took a picture of me where I look very uncomfortable. I must have done some weird adjustments to the camera because all the pictures came out really noisy.

Netti just came home from a Halloween/birthday party. I’m really tired and will brush my teeth and go to sleep now.

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19

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18

 

 

I’ve been so alone for so long
forgotten by the world
forgotten to myself
your effervescent eyes have awakened me
and brushed the dust away
but I knew you’d never stay

so I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you
and I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you

I miss

god I miss
waking up beside you

at night I cling to you, I’m so afraid
afraid the day will come
and I’ll wake and find you gone
but you promised that you’d not abandon me
and kissed my fears away
but I woke up to that day

but I had memorized the way our eyes
would meet reflected in the bathroom mirror

I miss
god I miss
waking up beside you

I’ve been so alone for so long
I forgot how much it hurts
to wake up so alone

but I memorized how warm your body felt
as you lay half asleep beside me
and I memorized the way the sunlight
filled the room and played upon your body

I miss
god I miss
waking up beside you
I miss
god I miss
waking up beside you

 

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17

On request from Netti’s mother:







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16

hope there’s someone
who’ll set my heart free
nice to hold when I’m tired

there’s a ghost on the horizon
when I go to bed
how can I fall asleep at night
how will I rest my head

oh I’m scared of the middle place
between light and nowhere
I don’t want to be the one
left in there, left in there

there’s a man on the horizon
wish that I’d go to bed
if I fall to his feet tonight
will allow rest my head

so here’s hoping I will not drown
or paralyze in light
and godsend I don’t want to go
to the seal’s watershed

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15

Fernando Falcone

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14

five AM
out again
triangle walks
magpies, i throw sticks at them
they laugh behind my back

getting a feeling
maybe i will dream again
having that feeling
when there’s no one awake
no no one awake

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13

Having a personal space of only 5.33 square meters makes makes me really claustrophobic and stressed out. I knew it would be different from the last apartment where Christian and I shared 83 squared meters, but right now I’m spending my time in a room the size of our wardrobe with two other people here all the time that I’m trying not to disturb. I want to go somewhere but I don’t know where to go, I’ve already walked for hours in every direction. Just feeling very apathetic today, but Andreas is going home in nine days so it will get better soon. I’m really happy for Janet but I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t met Marc… don’t think I would have stayed here. I love him for everything he’s done for me and for how loved he makes me feel. Met him the first time less than two months ago, but it feels like I known him for a very long time.

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12

If you knew how much I love you, you would run away
But when I treat you bad it always makes you want to stay

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11

Cat café! Coffee and one (two) hours with the cats for ~80 kr. It’s weird that it exists, but the cats didn’t seem to be that bothered (except when some stupid Japanese put a hat on the cat to take pictures…) and everything was very quiet and stress free. It’s not perfect, but I don’t think being alone all day in an empty apartment without any stimulation at all when the owners are at work or in school is either.

Some of the pet shops here in Tokyo are keeping the cats in small glass boxes outside the store, four or five cats and kittens together, dogs too. Last time I saw it I had to walk away and started crying because everyone walking past the store stopped and were saying how kawaii it was.

Guitar man is visiting Janet for two weeks now, 16 square meters isn’t a lot for the three of us but at least I’ve got a room on my own, and is out walking for a couple of hours every day.




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10

I ordered some clothes today. I’ve been pretty good at saving money and I’m getting tired of the clothes I brought from Sweden. Most of them are summer clothes anyway and now it’s autumn… (uhm, it was 23 degrees yesterday, but it’s cold when it’s raining). I miss my shirts, I’ve got about 10 white ones in my old apartment but I don’t feel like having too much contact with the person who lives there since he turned out to be an asshole. I’ll ask him to send my stuff to mami soon.

I always feel guilty when buying clothes, but this is basic things I need. Especially since I’m not coming home in a month as I thought when I packed my bags.

Everything is from here.

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09

I get headaches all the time now, can’t really concentrate on anything… haven’t slept that well the last week though. I just want Marc to come back from Paris.
The first video game I’ve played in almost 10 years, I loved it and cried at the ending because it was so beautiful and sad. And at least five different people have said that I remind them of the girl! I wish all video games were like that. I tried to play Shadow of the Colossus but it was too hard. I’ll play this one again when I get the chance.



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08

I wish I had a better lens for pictures like this. My standard lens was pretty bad to begin with, now it’s slowly dying. I’ll try to find one that’s not so expensive…



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07

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I want to explore you
I’m gonna get under your skin
so you can feel me running through your veins

I want to examine
every inch of your frame
the pressure points that cause your joy and pain

our love goes under the knife
there is no room for doubt

now I’m inside you
my hands can feel their way
further inside than I have ever been

now I can really
mess around with your heart
and fill it to the brim with broken dreams

our love goes under the knife
two lives may be saved

and if I pull this off
I’ll refuse the nobel prize
instead I will look into your eyes

if I pull this off your whole body will be mine
and I’m prepared to work throughout the night

our love goes under the knife
nothing is taboo
here on the cutting edge of science

too much information
I feel i’m getting lost
absorbed into the fibre of your soul

deep within the abbatoir
of your entrails your insides
lost in you forever far from home

our love goes under the knife
someone got too close

our love goes under the knife
the heart was rejected by the host

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06

Ai Shinohara.

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